N: It’s another episode of Pod 9 from outer space.
L: Cue the music!
L: so this week we went to Japan didn’t we? In our minds.
N: The Japan of the mind.
L: we watched Geisha Assassin by Go Ohara which started out strong and then it turned into what if power rangers without powers
L; so the basic concept is it’s edo japan so obviously everything’s very pretty because Edo japan is very pretty. and there’s a geisha who is also very skilled in swords because the gei in geisha means art and martial art also has art in it and they felt the need to spell out their justification with an opening scrawl. scrawl’s not the right word
N: opening crawl.
L: there are some words.
N: yeah i appreciate the attempt, I’d prefer the words we made a geisha be an assassin in this film because we thought it would be cool, and it is. that’s why most things happen in films.
L: like the other geisha film we’re gonna see – Robo Geisha
N: ah yes.
L: we do see her do some Geisha-ing at the start so we do see her do that, but she’s not an assassin. she’s on a revenge mission against this specific swordsman who killed her dad but she keeps having to fight all these other guys the swordsman is paying to prove she’s good enough to fight him?: it’s a little 7 evil exes. I won’t deny she’s good with a sword she chops someone’s hand off so well he doesn’t notice it’s off straight away. and in the first fight which is my favourite bit of the film she slices someone’s sleeve without cutting their arm. it’s very good but she’s not an assassin she’s a revenger.
N: a revengeance. or metal gear solid revengeance to give it its full name.
L: there is a word for what she is but Disney owns everything and is very litigious so i won’t say it.
N: a cartoon mouse.
L: not that we get more than six listeners but still/
N: they all work at Disney in the legal department.
L: we can’t prove they don’t.
N: they’re currently working out how to sue Stuart Little. not the book the actual mouse.
L: there’s only room for one cartoon mouse in this game.
N: they saw him as competition when they branched out into computer animated shorts.
L: speaking of animation one of these guys that she fights has a magic floating head. actually i think there’s a group of the magic floating head guys. they have a very badger like look and can distract her by having their heads float while sword fighting her. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on there. it’s a hi-jink and no mistake.
N: it was a hi-jink and no mistake. also a mischief. maybe even a shenanigan
L: what was the shenanigan
N: the third guy
L: those were their names? i like it very 60s batman names.
N: yes. addendum – someone should make a 60s batman style film. i know Lego batman comes close but that’s its own thing. I did on the whole enjoy the film because the choreography was legit good and i did enjoy the wackiness of all the people she had to fight even if it was just so much like a video game that is hurt.
L: yeah but they had their own thing s going on
N: it was ninja cuphead, a boss rush.
L: some of the guys did have mortal kombat looks to them.
N: yeah you know it really reminded me so much of playing through Metal Gear Solid 3
L: yes they do do the metal gear thing hello here is my name and my shtick i am here to kill you like so many evil Inigos Montoya
N: yes and that is how you pluralise thank you for remembering.
L: ill have you know this is my native language
N: I’m yet to find mine. -OK yeah in terms of bad guys the floating head guys they just really strongly reminded me of Labyrinth. i kinda wish they’d been voiced by Kevin clash and Danny john Jules
L: i did not know one of the labyrinth things was Danny john Jules
N: yeah played one of the members of the fire gang. bit of trivia for you one of the fire gang grew up to be Cat.
L: can we talk about minami tsusuki?
N:;yeah we can
L: she plays the main woman kotomi apologies for my Japanese pronunciation but she was just genuinely very good there’s some surprisingly raw emotional moments and she pulled them off
N: i think she’s genuinely very good at working with quite a basic bare bones script
:L and this was her first role
N: basically samurais and westerns are of – ans this is a samurai film it’s not an assassin film
L: yeah she’s not got any political motivation she’s not doing it for money she’s doing it for revenge which is every other samurai film
N: it’s i think one thing that i do like is when the broad brush strokes way of doing things that westerns and samurai films do works it really works and it properly lands because you get a succession of very simple pared down characters who are like this is my thing i do it well now try to kill me it’s very courteous it’s very gentlemanly really
L: and how she reacted at that big huge twist at he end
N: yes the big huge twist i definitely remember
L: do you want me to explain the twist
N: i want you to explain to our listeners they might not have seen it
L: do you not think they’ve seen the 2008 classic? OK so through flashbacks we learn that when she was quite small her dad was a great swordsman and he had various students and wanted to pass on his special swords and the role of sense to this specific student of his who didn’t want it decided he wasn’t ready so they had a fight in which the student killed the dad and that’s basically the twist is that he killed the dad but in self defence. but you know she commits you can genuinely believe this is an earth shattering revelation even though it’s bonkers
N: it seems needlessly aggro of her dad
L: imagine if your boss invites you in says he’s giving you a promotion you say you don’t think you can handle the responsibility yet and then he decks you
N: no protagonist’s dad it was your dream
L: and all the build up guys were her dad’s old pupils who teamed up with this guy to test her
N: yup cause that’s what you do when you feel really bad about having killed someone you look up to in self-defence.
L: it’s especially wild considering she was probably 6-7 when it happened by the look of her in the flashbacks and now this has gotta be 20 years later or thereabouts
N: that kid was adorable.
L: i loved her she was also also a very good actor Uran Miyano she was very good for a child actor doing all the sword drills
N: that looked fun hitting stuff with a big stick which is every kids dream
L: while wearing an oversized kimono while going dad i wanna be a geisha
N: that was my childhood was it yours?
L: i don’t know how to answer that I mean i did karate as a kid
N: ah the martial art which is definitely like other arts cause they both have art in
L: therefore I’m a geisha according to this film
N: also great at watercolours
L; no I’m good at combining colours together but i can’t draw
N: no they’re all arts therefore.. good at watercolours
L: now I’m just thinking if i got some pastel yarn if i could knit a watercolour
N: or break into art galleries steal the paintings replace them with knitted versions
L: if you were a well known enough artist already you could probably get the turner prize for that
N: banksy’s nan
L: banksy’s nan?? nanksy?
N: nanksy yeah
L: excellent. also there’s a bit here she decides cause like i said meets this guy 20 years later – she beats up his cronies, he disappears into darkness cause there’s a wall of darkness his cronies come out of which is an interesting choice. She goes into the forest and tears her clothes and wraps stuff around herself. she’s dressed like kitara from avatar with less fur which is a pretty cool transformation it’s like Mulan cutting her hair – destruction and transformation probably gains it a camp point but I like it
n: each of the basically boss fights adds a camp point
L: I’m trying to remember how many boss fights there were there was the guy at the start the mortal kombat guy the guy with balloons the badger guy was that it
n: There was that woman
L:: i think there were a couple of women
N: are we including the magician guy?
L: yeah that’s the mortal kombat guy! cause he’s bald with a staff so i just thought mortal kombat guy.
N: see now I’m thinking i would like to p[lay an adaptation of this because i feel that’s the level of story
L: it does feel like a N64 game
N: something like that or as an arcade game it would be so good
L: but a single player one where you play Kitabe and play through the fights and get the twist and slap the machine and walk off before fighting the final guy
N: i do like the idea of playing through cause the story is very thin
L: there is no story
n: it’s a series of encounters
L: I’ve gotta kill this guy but i gotta kill these guys first
N: visually speaking they did well with what they had
L: like i said it’s Edo japan so it’s gonna be a pretty
N: what they were working with this was 2008 they were using HD cameras. mainstream digital photography started 200-3 with attack of the clones but this is people with prosumer level digital cameras trying to work things out
L: it was very oversaturated some of the colours but again i think it fits the edo aesthetic
N: there were points where it felt like they needed to work on the colours a bit where there were some points where it felt like watching something on TV, OK that’s a field with absolutely nothing done to it that’s just you went round the corner to your local park and you[‘re just fighting some of your mates had that vibe but again it’s probably hard to colour grade when you’re working with a nothing budget
Mod Pencil: hello I’m mod pencil from probablybadrpgideas and we have podcast. if you’d like to hear if you’d like to hear RPG advice on how to use assorted incredibly bad ideas as actual ideas in actual games listen to the podcast available on pretty much every pod catcher don’t forget to have a probably bad day
Hazel: hi i ‘m hazel and i make a podcast with Liz called bread and thread which you might enjoy if you are a fan of food or clothes or other interesting parts of domestic history. we find out interesting facts like regional food ancient breeds of sheep basically anything about domestic history so if you’d like to know why it’s illegal to import sheep to Iceland or what queen Victoria presented to Harriet tubman listen to bread and thread find us at @breadandthread on twitter or find us everywhere podcasts exist
N: we haven'[t been able to find information about the budget but i do believe the company is one who generally do quite low budget action
L: including the lead actress she’s in regular roles
L: like i said this is her first thing it’s very much a start of her career kind of thing and I’m glad it’s worked out because she’s very good
N: yeah i think she was in some Kamen Rider stuff which is pretty big franchise wise
L: wanna check that out?
L: she’s also done stunt work – she does her own stunts in this and you can tell
N: there’s a really cool move where she does that fancy thing where she you end up on top of someone strangling them with your legs
L: which is very hot
um…, that was awesome because i think that is the go-to cool fight scene move that shows that
L: it’s pretty much that and matrix flips and they didn’t have any of those
as odd as it is to say i[‘m glad they stuck with relative realism in this otherwise it would have got too power rangers so where does this land on the camp scale it’s already got seven points
N: i[‘m going to leave it at seven because those were pretty daft villains but overall with the whole twist thing i was expecting a lot more it was just an action film that sort of fizzled out
L: yeah what did we learn today?
L: i think we learned if someone turns down a promotion don’t hit them it creates a hostile work environment
N: i ‘ll show you a hostile work environment
L:: I’d rather you didn’t
N: please i got these tapes from HR and they’ve highlighted a number of instances where you can basically I’m just gonna do a thing real quick we can watch a scenario pause it work out how it could have gone better just improve the whole podcast situation
L: and on that note we’ll end the episode if you enjoy whatever this is you can support us at koi-fi.com/pod9 is it pod9 or… yeah just pod 9 sorry about that editing you’ll have to do or you can leave us a rating or a review do we know what we’re gonna be watching next week?
N: not entirely sure as yet I’m thinking black Sabbath the film that gave the band its name
L: well i like the band which we’ll see how that turns out
N: and it turns out despite their image they were all scared of horror movies they basically wet themselves… and went to see these movies and went “shall we confront our fears by forming a metal band? I’m playing guitar I’m Tony iommi this i
L: let’s leave it there
N: this is my brummy accent