Pencil: hello and welcome to the probably bad podcast a podcast that is definitely bad I’m pencil
paper: I’m paper and today’s probablybadrpgidea is…
paper: you know your favourite novelty silly song? that’s now your character’s backstory. So I think this is one I posted a while ago and specifically thinking about songs like grandam got run over by a reindeer and that’s a straightforward I want to get revenge on santa kind of backstory.
Pencil: or reindeer
Then I was thinking itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini can this be a backstory somehow? It does state a woman is afraid to get out of the water that’s something
Pencil: your character has a cursed bikini that means they can’t leave the water and they need to end the curse and when they go on adventures they get carried around in a bucket.
Paper: you did it you made the song I thought least likely into a backstory.
Pencil: this sis why we’re RPG geniuses
Paper: what’s your favourite novelty song?
Pencil: probably I’ve got a lovely pair of coconuts. I think it should be interpreted entirely literally if you’re doing a backstory this sis my pair of coconuts and I will do powerful magic with them.
Paper: you say that but my current Fate pc is a stripper
Pencil: combine them, stripper dedicated to protecting coconuts
Paper: i[‘v e thought of one that would be very good for a ranger – i9 lost my hamster on the underground I must go on a quest to the underdark to rescue my companion who is ca hamster
Pencil: I like a hamster companion. I like it even better if you’re a paladin and your hamster is a mount
Paper: are we talking pixie paladin or riding a capybara in full armour because we all know a capybara is just a big hamster?
Pencil: I was thinking paladin in full armour stood on a hamster who just lifts them up and carries them forward by the foot
Paper: that’s a strong hamster
Pencil: yep a really strong hamster
paper: what about an army of them it’s like a carpet
Pencil: come to me my mighty steed as you fall over backwards and hamsters just carry you. I think we’re getting a pretty good party going
Paper: a hamster’s mouth is pretty much a bag of holding
pencil: the paladin climbs into the hamster and then the hamster just runs forward with the paladin in their cheek pouches
Paper: i feel like we’re getting into niche porn territory
pencil: everything we do is niche porn somewhere on the internet
Paper: so we’ve got revenge against Santa, we’ve got a pair of hamster paladins, we’ve got the bikini person, I’m not sure what class they would be
Pencil: that’s their class. Now we just need a laughing gnome and we’re ready to go on an adventure
paper: I feel like the laughing gnome as a villain a powerful trickster
pencil: just David bowie as a powerful trickster
paper: David bowie did play a powerful trickster in one of my favourite films
Pencil: I feel labyrinth would be improved if all the characters showed up.
Paper: I for one plan to play a hamster based ranger in my next campaign
Pencil: a hamster based ranger I assume is they use the hamster as an arrow so they put it in a bow and fire it at enemies
paper: you know who the enemy is? A one eyed one horned flying purple people eater that would be pretty easy in D&D it’s just a purple dragon with one eye
Pencil: that’s my new character and I don’t care if the GM says that’s not a thing. So I think we’ve created a party and I’m pretty sure that’s what this podcast is about coming up with party ideas
paper: we’ve got the party we’ve got an enemy might i suggest if we start – the normal thing is a tavern I’m thinking night club, big event,k some sort of monster mash?:
pencil: I already love this you think the vampires are going to be the antagonists I but no it’s David bowie
paper: I feel the real antagonist of the monster mash is bobby picket why is he spying on these people what is he up to
pencil: there’s a World of Darkness campaign in there somewhere.
Paper: I and i want to play it
pencil: all various supernatural races have gotten together for a conference and it’s a dance party for some reason and they need to stop the human from spying
paper: dance party’s in the evening you know you need to wind down after a long day of discussing monstrous affairs
pencil: would vampire the masquerade be improved if it was set in a nightclub wit the monster mash
paper: anything could be improved by the monster mash
pencil: but yes in WoD if you play the monster mash every supernatural creature should be forced to reveal themselves by yelling whatever happened to my transylvania twist
paper: transylvania twist being a ragamuffin a sacred record
pencil: Dracula’s very first transylvania twist
paper: it was stolen by his son who was really embarrassed by all the dad dancing, just make it stop
pencil: I fear we’ve made a hotel Transylvania RPG
pa[per: hotel transylvania slaps
pencil: I’ve never seen it, there you go hotel translational meets the monster mash
paper: I think that’s a good time to move onto questions
pencil: our first question is anonymous have you got any advice on dealing with a murder hobo who is a fellow player. no-one else is saying anything and I worry it’s going to be down to me to do something because my last characters was a responsible mother type
paper: have you considered leaning into it?
Pencil; out murder hobo them
paper: they kill a shopkeeper you kill a child, they kill an informant you raze a village, eventually they will be the responsible mum friend
pencil: take a note of how many people they stab and do twice that many
paper: the other option is of course the Monty python approach where they just get arrested have you considered turning your fellow player into the police?
Pencil: just call the police call the guard to sort it out
paper: I remember you telling me about this happening in a game you were in
pencil: yeah sadly it didn’t work but in our game we were investigating a nefarious conspiracy and thought what if we reported them for tax fraud because they weren’t declaring all their income from the scheme – the GM said no because they didn’t want to have a whole thing about the tax system so we had an epic fight instead. I still feel we should’ve arrested them for tax fraud
paper: we did have a filler session where one of the player characters did get arrested and the rest of the party were their legal team so it can be done
pencil: I feel more like players should just go to prison, I meant player characters there but possibly more players
paper: either or
pencil: your options are kill more people or call the police or talk to them out of character but that’s the boring option. Maybe you be a hobo out of character – they stab a character you break a window with a chair
paper; that fits my advice about escalation
pencil: just escalate even more they kill a helpful shopkeeper in the game you kill a helpful shopkeeper in real life. This will cross over with you going to prison
paper: have you considered just killing them?
Pencil: ultimate escalation. Well now we’ve just recommended murder next question
paper: this next question comes from Pomerania thought of a really cool magic item to give one of the PCs in a campaign but recently one of the players mentioned one of the things they’d want. Any advice? Bad ideas only I’m franklly offended that you think we’d give good advice. That was a one off.
Pencil: what you do is put the item in front of them, ring of fireball or whatever, then troll goes in smashes it in half and gives them the item you want
paper: have you thought about the marshmallow experiment – put the item you want in front of them, tell them if they avoid using it the whole session they get the other one and we all know players can’t not use magci items so you’re in the clear.
Pencil: duct tape two magical items together and make them into one awesomer magical item
paper; would they have to both happen at the same time?
p[aper: so if you had a deck of many things to a ring of fireball every time you sue the spell you also have to use a card
pencil: you combine the summon monster with a touch of death so you summon a monster and it immediately kills it it’s really useful for causing existential crises
Paper: combine a headband of intellect and a cloud of daggers so you can be an absolute genius as long as you stand perfectly still
pencil: combine a ring of enlarge person and a ring of shrink person and you have a ring that magically transforms you into someone the same size as you are
paper: the better option is you give them what they want but you give a second cooler item to a different player character and see if they wanna swap or you give them a cool item and give what they want to another player character so they have to negotiate in game to get what they want
pencil: you just give them the item they want and give everyone else cooler stuff
paper: if they want something uncommon everyone else gets something rare
pencil: give them the item you want in game but the item they want in real life
paper: might be difficult to pull off but they did specifically ask for bad ideas
pencil: if you have a headband of intellect in real life you might as well use it
paper: I feel like a headband of intellect in real life is just a google glass so you can look stuff up and look smart
pencil: if google wants to sponsor us ….
paper; is google glass still a thing it feels like it was a thing for a month then disappeared.
Pencil: I don’t know what’s happening any more I haven’t left the house for months for all I know America has disappeared under the ocean
pencil: our last question is from dolph
paper: friend of the show, thank you dolph
pencil: how would you hide a giraffe from the government? The best way assuming you’re in a city is paint it grey and disguise it as a phone pole
paper: if it has a lightbulb in its mouth it’s a lamppost
pencil: yes the four legged lamppost that sometimes screams, normal
paper:: useful though those dark alleys just bring a lamppost with yourself
pencil: the alternate thing is put glasses on it call it Clark Kent, everyone will think it’s just a reporter
paper: what if you just subtly change its patterning just some brown paint or something this is not the giraffe you’re looking for – assuming you’re hiding this giraffe cause it’s a fugitive
pencil: this is one of those illegal giraffe. Or paint it brown and it’s just a long horse
paper: that’s a pretty long horse
pencil: don’t judge my horse
paper: I was saying it as a compliment I love a long horse
Paper: just get one of those green clown wigs stick it on top after you’ve painted it brown and suddenly it’s just a weird tree.
Pencil: I was thinking here’s my long clown, paint it white, put a clown wig on its head
paper: the advantage of that is you just have to paint its face
pencil: the advantage of that is you have a terrifying clown
paper: all clowns are terrifying
pencil: but would they be more terrifying if they were secretly giraffes
paper: take an underground approach, go through the sewers and use its head as a periscope to see if you’re going the right way
pencil: combined with the clown approach it’s like you’re making a fucked up remake of IT where anywise is a secret underground giraffes paper: as opposed to a regular IT which is unfucked up and safe for children pencil: a wholesome story about a friendly clown who is dealing with this town’s child problem
paper: penny wise is an exterminator is he pest control?
Pencil: yeah this town has a child problem call in penny wise. we’ve advocated murder so many times in the episode.
Paper: we’ve had a blasphemy episode, this is a murder episode.
Pencil: I hope that helps with your giraffe problem dolph
paper: So if you want to ask a question whether it’s RPG related or just to ask us what the fuck you can message us on tumblr at probablybadprgideas or email email@example.com, if you want to support us you can go to patreon.com/probablybadrpgideas where you can get access to the probably bad server plus home-brew content and bonus episodes. You can also go to pencilpaper.org where you can get access to all the pencil paper podcast’
Both: and remember to have a probably bad day.