Probably Bad Episode 21: Secrecy Geese, Asserting Dominance and Harry’s Journey


D&DANIEL
Look at you hacker, pathetic
creature of meat and bo- no, sorry
wrong script
(page flips)
Greetings, listener. I have
survived my transgression. I am
full of dice again. My belly
rumbles with chance and
probability, but anyway, I want to
thank our patrons mario, hedwig and
matt, and our new patron,
ancelline. Thank you all!
Opening music.
MOD PENCIL
Hello and welcome to the probably
bad podcast, a podcast which is
definitely bad. I’m pencil.
PAPER
And I’m paper. Today’s probably bad
rpg idea is…
(dice roll)
A warlock’s patron is actually a
wizard that did an elaborate scam
that got in way too deep. He’s
really just following them around
doing an invisibility enchantment
and casting spells as needed. That
was submitted by rubikscube60.
Before anyone says it, I know
critical role has a god who
spoilers is actually a fay being
doing all sorts of weird shit, but
I feel this is sufficiently
different and I want to talk about
it.
MOD PENCIL
And I don’t listen to critical role
so nothing I say can be considered
a rip-off.
PAPER
I think my first thought on seeing
this you know there’s a lot of
stuff that only one of those two
groups can have – I’m imagining a
warlock tries to cast eldritch
blast and they’re just there like
oh shit oh shit magic missile.
MOD PENCIL
I was just thinking of it as like
the warlock – the patron’s like you
get a special deal where you can
cast all these extra spells and all
you need to do is not look too
(MORE)
2.
MOD PENCIL (cont’d)
closely into where the spells are
coming from.
PAPER
I still like the idea they get the
warlock number of spell slots, just
the wizard’s really lazy.
MOD PENCIL
You have half the number of spell
slots cause it takes me a while to
get out of bed.
PAPER
I used the rest of my spell slots
to stay invisible.
MOD PENCIL
That’s a point how long does
invisibility last? Cause I know
like it’s possibly like going into
too much detail but I think it’s a
few hours?
PAPER
Just a second… Concentration up
to an hour.
MOD PENCIL
So yeah that’s why warlocks have so
few spell slots, the wizard has to
cast all of them they need to save
some for themselves.
PAPER
You’re a special kind of warlock
who can’t use second level spells
I’m using those slots.
MOD PENCIL
You’re a special kind of warlock
who’s less good as a bargain.
PAPER
It’s so they get third level slots
early. Oh you want to summon a
ghost horse to ride around? That’s
fine, but you can’t use rope trick.
That’s too much.
MOD PENCIL
To be fair has anyone ever used
rope trick? Genuinely interested
has anyone ever used rope trick?
PAPER
Must have done, but didn’t
technically use it.
3.
MOD PENCIL
Ok so there we go for the first
time in d&D someone has used rope
trick. I do like all the very minor
pointless spells.
PAPER
Yeah they do have their moments
they’re just very specific moments.
MOD PENCIL
Going back to the actual idea
rather than the rope trick, cause I
don’t know anything about it, one
player is the warlock and the other
three player characters are the
wizard who are trying to keep up
the bizarre pretense that the
player’s a warlock.
PAPER
So it’s basically a farce.
MOD PENCIL
mm. The warlock has level 1
commoner stats.
PAPER
With the warlock as an npc this
could be a fun one shot of trying
not to get caught.
MOD PENCIL
or Give the warlock player like I
was going to say give the warlock
player a fake character sheet and
make them sit on their own in a
room.
PAPER
They might pick some things up if
you put them in a different room.
MOD PENCIL
This is a normal D&D game but do
you mind sitting in this soundproof
room while we slip notes under the
door?
PAPER
Playing a game of D&D just through
passing notes would be interesting.
I’m now wondering cause you know so
many classes are online still, just
like running a text based D&D game
in a maths class.
4.
MOD PENCIL
It’s all the fun of slipping notes
in maths class but now you get to
be wizards.
PAPER
Yeah!
MOD PENCIL
You take damage if the teacher
suspects something. Ok so the
teacher you’re trying to convince
the teacher they’re all warlocks
and all of you are passing notes to
each other.
PAPER
I feel like we’ve gotten away from
the idea but it sounds fun.
MOD PENCIL
Every time the teacher gets annoyed
at something you cover the camera
like there’s no-one there, I think
what I’ve invented is a new form of
psychological torture, butPAPER
We’re two steps away from gaslight
your maths teacher which we do not
condone.
MOD PENCIL
It’s no steps away, so don’t do
that. There’s some good advice. I
think there’s an RPG around texting

  • only done over text. I think it’s
    one of the ones that’s on my list
    to play so I can’t tell you if it’s
    good or not, but it seems
    interesting.
    PAPER
    To get back to the actual idea…
    MOD PENCIL
    To get back to the actual idea,
    which I think is gaslight your
    maths teacher…
    PAPER
    Yeah, um… I mean just thinking
    about some of the warlock patron
    options it’s not far off some of
    them, all that a warlock is really
    is someone who gets someone else’s
    powers to do the work.
    5.
    MOD PENCIL
    Yeah all they are is they have a
    magic sugar daddy. Like… I
    definitely think that an arch mage
    would work as a patron idea. Idk if
    it’s an official one but it would
    work.
    PAPER
    It definitely would.
    MOD PENCIL
    That’s an interesting class, arch
    mage patron, or arch warlock patron
    who is now like being a patron to a
    new generation of warlocks. It’s
    warlocks all the way down.
    PAPER
    It’s unearthed arcana, but there’s
    a seeker patron which is someone
    that travels around searching for
    knowledge and is that not a wizard?
    An unusually sociable wizard.
    MOD PENCIL
    The one wizard who can hold a
    conversation with someone for more
    than two minutes. That’s how they
    became a patron. Also going back to
    the original idea, cause you could
    do it with other classes I like the
    idea of a druid who is constantly a
    tree near a warlock…
    PAPER
    How would you explain there’s trees
    everywhere we’re in this terrible
    dungeon and that tree that grew
    outside my house is also here.
    MOD PENCIL
    There’s the mystery of the campaign
    is where this tree keeps coming
    from – whether you were chosen by
    nature spirits or there’s a dryad
    and then we go to the stupidest
    possible explanation where there’s
    a druid disguised as a tree
    following you making you look cool.
    PAPER
    A druid that occasionally casts
    command and says ignore the tree.
    Wait can druids cast command?
    6.
    MOD PENCIL
    They can do all kinds of things but
    I don’t think they can cast
    command, they can hit you with
    branches.
    PAPER
    Do a geese – you will notice it but
    you are not physically capable of
    acknowledging it.
    MOD PENCIL
    Druid invisibility is just
    summoning a goose into your face
    and while you’re distracted by it
    they walk into place.
    PAPER
    I meant gas, but yes.
    MOD PENCIL
    Aah yes, that does make more sense
    than summoning geese. But also…
    PAPER
    If there are geese flying in your
    face are you really going to notice
    a vaguely familiar tree?
    MOD PENCIL
    The warlock must solve the mystery
    why geese keep manifesting in their
    face. You’ve got the warlock who’s
    convinced they have magic powers by
    the wizard but the wizard isn’t a
    wizard they’re being convinced they
    have magical powers by the warlock
    and it’s an endless cycle.
    PAPER
    Where does the magic actually come
    from? The druid. This mysterious
    tree.
    MOD PENCIL
    I do like this game that’s full of
    twists and secrets but they’re all
    incredibly dumb. You put up a
    bunnch of intriguing mysteries to
    begin with and every layer you
    uncover the players just get worse
    and worse answers.
    PAPER
    The person who asked on the patron
    exclusive server about good secrets
    for character creation, enjoy these
    secrets.
    7.
    MOD PENCIL
    Yeah it turns out you don’t have
    magic there’s just a tree behind
    you.
    PAPER
    Shall we move onto questiQuestion music
    PAPER
    Ons?
    MOD PENCIL
    Maybe we should… Our first
    question comes from b-deh- our
    first question is anonymous rather
    than the ubiquitous be flexible, do
    you have any dm tips for a first
    time DM? Yes I am aware what blog I
    asked for gm tips, bring your
    worst.
    PAPER
    Eat the D20 in front of your
    players to assert your dominance.
    MOD PENCIL
    To be honest, I’m not sure that’s
    better than lock your player in a
    soundproof room and only pass them
    messages through the door like in
    terms of actual advice, the best
    sort of system I’ve found is from
    monster of the week which is the
    mystery tracker which essentially
    you write down what would happen if
    the players did absolutely nothing,
    and you can extrapolate how people
    react to what they do. This is what
    the villain would be doing if
    no-one stopped them, so you have a
    good grasp of their overall plans,
    and then it’s much easier to see
    how plans change around that.
    PAPER
    While your players are the
    protagonists, they aren’t the only
    people doing things and things will
    continue without them.
    MOD PENCIL
    And onto terrible ideas.
    PAPER
    I’d say use your characters
    backstories against them like side
    (MORE)
    8.
    PAPER (cont’d)
    quests surprising stuff that pops
    up, connections to whoever is doing
    the bad stuff, it’s fun.
    MOD PENCIL
    Backstories are a useful source of
    character or plot things, which is
    what paper said but better. But bad
    advice, eat the dice of dominance.
    PAPER
    Don’t like how one of your players
    plays their character maybe they’re
    one of the ones that refuses to go
    along with any plot hooks? Just
    slowly shred their character sheet
    until they agree to play the
    adventure.
    MOD PENCIL
    Eat their character sheet for
    dominance. Cause the player’s like
    oh yeah I’m taking this disruptive
    spell, and you eat their character
    sheet while maintaining eye
    contact.
    PAPER
    Find out what food the players like
    and then only bring snacks they
    don’t like to assert your
    dominance.
    MOD PENCIL
    Just like eat everyone else’s copy
    of the player’s handbook, and now
    only you know the rules.
    PAPER
    When planning your campaign be sure
    to include at least six background
    clowns. Your characters will be
    convinced they’ll lead to something
    but they never will.
    MOD PENCIL
    At the start of the campaign
    challenge your biggest strongest
    player to a fight to show that
    you’re not to be fucked with.
    PAPER
    Unfortunately if you lose they do
    become the dm so just watch out for
    that.
    9.
    MOD PENCIL
    Ideal D&D game, there’s no dm at
    the start but all the players just
    have a cage match at the beginning
    and whoever wins has to DM but
    that’s fallen out of favour these
    days. Though you can attract
    D&Daniel if you have a cage fight
    at the beginning.
    PAPER
    He lives in a cage so it’s a homing
    instinct.
    MOD PENCIL
    Any cage you have D&Daniel might be
    there. It’s not so much a D&D fact
    but it’s an important warning.
    PAPER
    If you ever see a cage in the woods
    throw some dice in just in case to
    appease him.
    MOD PENCIL
    I hope this helps with your first
    DM experience.
    Question music
    PAPER
    Our second question is also
    anonymous, you’ve mentioned just
    making rincewind as a character,
    but what are your thoughts on the
    discworld ttrpg, general thoughts
    on rpgs based on established
    worlds? I don’t like them. I feel
    too much pressure to stick to
    established lore, especially if
    it’s an established world your
    players are into so I don’t do it.
    MOD PENCIL
    My main problem is a lot of
    fictional worlds are designed for a
    particular story. They’re based
    around those characters and their
    arc, and it’s hard to sort of
    disconnect it from them in an easy
    way.
    PAPER
    What I’m saying is if your
    characters aren’t relevant to
    harry’s journey…
    10.
    MOD PENCIL
    Yes what we’re saying is your
    characters aren’t relevant to
    harry’s journey and are thus
    unlikely to get involved in lots of
    big world things.
    PAPER
    I think the discworld rpg might be
    better because the whole world is
    very developed so there’s more you
    can do with it.
    MOD PENCIL
    It helps that discworld doesn’t
    have a main character or main plot
    it’s a collection of short stories.
    I’m running an rpg that’s set in
    an, what’s the word, established
    world, nickblake edit out my being
    crap please – it’s in the magnus
    archives I needed to essentially
    put it on a different continent to
    avoid repeatedly running into lore
    to avoid conflicting with
    everything.
    PAPER
    It’s difficult with an ongoing
    series because at what point have
    you diverged from canon, and at
    what point have you diverged from
    canon enough that it’s no longer in
    that setting, and can you do other
    stuff with it or do you need ot
    still stick close and it gets very
    foggy.
    MOD PENCIL
    It’s easier if you are going to –
    it’s easiest to say this is non
    canon, this is an AU, because it
    makes it easier if you mess up the
    lore of it and it allows your
    players more freedom or there’s the
    possibility of saying you can’t do
    that because it messes with episode
    13…
    PAPER
    Yeah I feel unless it’s post canon
    you either can’t do anything big or
    it’s an AU.
    MOD PENCIL
    I think the best way to do it is
    simply if you want to do it in the
    area the story happens, kill the
    (MORE)
    11.
    MOD PENCIL (cont’d)
    main character and your characters
    are now the main character.
    PAPER
    That makes sense if you play in an
    established place, what you want to
    do a lot of the time is be the
    protagonist of that setting.
    MOD PENCIL
    Essentially the point of
    established things is you want to
    be luke skywalker or harry potter
    or whoever you want to be.
    PAPER
    Nobody plays a lotr game to hang
    out in gondor.
    MOD PENCIL
    Yeah you want to be the fellowship,
    so you should just be the
    fellowship.
    PAPER
    I feel like we got ranty but I hope
    we answered your question.
    MOD PENCIL
    Yes, um…
    Question music
    MOD PENCIL
    So, our final questino is from
    blatella… If you nut in the
    astral plane, do it push you
    backwards?
    PAPER
    I’ve been thinking about that one
    and looking at the actual
    description of the astral plane in
    the dungeon masters guide and it
    sounds like more of an ocean than
    sort of a void really so I feel it
    wouldn’t push you backwards as make
    the waters a bit murky.
    MOD PENCIL
    So there’s no 5th ed manual for
    planes yet, so I looked up a 3rd ed
    manual for planes and it seems the
    astral plane in that is more of a
    psychic void, so my theory either
    it would push you backwards if you
    believed it would push you
    (MORE)
    12.
    MOD PENCIL (cont’d)
    backwards it’s a mental realm so if
    you believe it would push you
    backwards it would push you
    backwards or it pushes you like
    psychologically backwards, like it
    regresses your development every
    time you nut in the astral plane.
    PAPER
    What if you just can’t get yourself
    there? There is a secondary
    question to ask which is can you
    nut in the astral plane?
    MOD PENCIL
    Yeah in a lot of cases you’re not
    in your actual body in the astral
    plane you’re in an astral form, so
    can astral forms nut?
    PAPER
    Can god nut is the real question
    you’re asking blatella.
    MOD PENCIL
    Sorry, got the book of planes open,
    astral forms, again all 3rd ed,
    they don’t biologically heal and
    they don’t die which implies
    they’re not biological anymore…
    PAPER
    Yeah if you can’t do the big death
    you can’t do the little death.
    MOD PENCIL
    And that is why…
    PAPER
    That’s what I always say.
    MOD PENCIL
    That’s true I did live with them
    for a year and they did say that at
    least once a day. Completely
    unprompted. But yeah it seems like
    ok it seems like if you go there in
    astral form you can’t nut, and it
    can’t push you forwards or
    backwards…
    PAPER
    Aare we debating it pushing you
    forwards now? What is the anatomy
    of the astral form?
    13.
    MOD PENCIL
    There’s a lot of weird biology in
    D&D, I’m sure there’s a creature
    with a dick growing out of its
    back.
    PAPER
    We need to be inclusive.
    MOD PENCIL
    Mmm but if you go there physically
    it depends on whether or not you
    think it’ll push you backwards. I
    don’t think the astral plane has
    enough physical matter, no that’s a
    thing that pushes you backwards
    cause there’s not a lot stopping
    you.
    PAPER
    But there is homebrew settings – in
    mine the astral plane is the void
    between other planes. It would push
    you backward in my personal astral
    plane. So really consult with your
    DM.
    MOD PENCIL
    Ngl, nutting will push you
    backwards in my personal astral
    plane I can’t tell whether that
    sounds like a pickup line or
    shooting someone down, but it
    sounds like something.
    PAPER
    It feels like a threat. Oh buddy it
    push you backwards.
    MOD PENCIL
    But yes, in case you were wondering
    that’s the first question I did
    proper research for, so I’m glad we
    have a semi official answer.
    PAPER
    On that note, thank you for
    listening, if you have a question
    you can email
    probablybadpodcast@gmail.com or
    message probablybadrpgideas on
    tumblr. If you want to support us
    you can go to probablybadrpgideas
    on patreon, get access to the
    discord server, homebrew, which
    when this episode goes up, the
    other things that aren’t quite
    owlbears will go up, and bonus
    (MORE)
    14.
    PAPER (cont’d)
    episodes, the most recent of which
    is night at the ninja museum, where
    I take my games group through being
    ninjas trying to rob the ninja
    museum.
    MOD PENCIL
    It goes about as well as you’d
    expect.
    PAPER
    But nick does really cool music for
    it. If you don’t want to pay for
    that nonsense you can also leave a
    rating or review or share us with
    someone doesn’t matter who, maybe
    not your priest if you don’t want
    to be excommunicated, whoever needs
    nonsense in their life.
    BOTH
    And remember to have a probably bad
    day.
    Closing music

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